


Like Nails on a Chalkboard

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-04
Updated: 2004-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian faces an unbearable loss and finds solace from an unusual place.





	Like Nails on a Chalkboard

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

_Author's Note: I wrote this because I recently feel as though I've lost a friend. She didn't die, but she sure as fuck seems gone. My greatest catharsis is writing and so I figured I'd channel my anguish into something productive. So here it is._

* * *

Brian sat on the floor in the middle of the loft surrounded by old pictures that he’d almost forgotten up until this morning. He hadn’t wanted to do this at first, but after some thinking, he’d decided maybe Justin was right.

“It would be nice, Brian. All I need you to do is get a few pictures together, I’ll the rest,” Justin had said from the kitchen. Brian sat quietly at the table staring at his untouched breakfast. After a few minutes Justin realized Brian wasn’t going to answer him, so he walked over to the table and sat down, taking his lover’s hand. “I know this is hard for you. But maybe this’ll help.” Brian lifted his eyes from the table and directed his gaze at Justin.

“How? How will this help? You think looking at some stupid pictures is gonna make me forget that my best friend is dead?” He said quietly, sounding a little angry, but mostly sad. Justin shook his head.

“No, but I think it’ll be good to remember all the great times you and Michael had,” he answered. They held each other’s eyes for a moment longer before Brian looked back down and retracted the hand Justin was holding, scrubbing it over his face. He felt the bristly stubble on his face as it scratched across his palm and shuddered. _Fuck,_ he thought. He must look as God-awful as he felt. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, not since he’d found out Michael had been rammed into by a drunk driver.

Shit, it was amazing to him the things that reminded him of his friend’s recent death. Random inconsequential songs on the radio, Justin’s drawing pencils and now his facial fuzz. What was next? Superman commercials?

“I don’t…I really don’t think I could do it. I don’t wanna remember…” Brian said finally. Justin nodded his head and stood up, moving towards the chair that harbored his coat.

“Well, I’m not gonna pull your teeth about this. If you want me to do the collage, then I’m gonna need you to get some pictures together. I have to go to my studio at school and do some work. I’ll be back this evening.” Justin walked back over and kissed Brian on the cheek and with that he left, leaving his lover to decide what to do. 

It had taken Brian four hours and 4 shots of Beam before he worked up the nerve to go and take out the box with the old pictures of him and Mikey in it. The box was covered in dust, evidence that it hadn’t been touched in years.

He dumped out the contents of the box and plopped himself down on the floor, which was his current position. He had started tearing up almost immediately and cursed himself for being such a nelly queen. He picked up a picture of him and Mikey taken at their High School Science Club. He stared at the picture for a moment, almost smiling before he started to cry in earnest. It seems as though every time he thought about his friend lately the pain would rip through him like nails on a chalkboard.

Suddenly the loft door was pulled back. Dropping the picture he immediately started swiping at his face with the back of his hand and tried to quell the remaining sobs left in his body. He hardly noticed as Daphne slid the door shut and started to walk across the loft.

“Hey Brian. Sorry to just barge in here like this but Justin gave me his key because he needed…” Daphne trailed of as her eyes finally settled on Brian’s form in the middle of the loft. She’d never seen Brian like this and to say it freaked her out would be an understatement. “Oh my God! Are you alright?” Daphne mentally slapped herself for that comment. _No, of course he’s not alright you dumb twat,_ she thought. Brian sniffed and looked back down at the pictures.

“Yeah I’m fine. Just picking out some pictures…Justin said he’d make a collage for…for…the service,” Brian said. He still couldn’t bring himself to say “the funeral.”

“Yeah, he told me this morning. He said he thought you weren’t going to do it,” Daphne said as she walked over to where Brian was sitting. Brian smiled a little bit.

“Well, Sunshine was quite inspiring,” Brian tried to joke, but it lacked his usual sarcasm and wit. Daphne dropped her bag and sat next to Brian, looking at the picture he’d just dropped.

“Oh wow!” She breathed, picking up the photo. She smiled and looked at Brian. “When was this taken?”

“About 16 years ago,” Brian said, his small smile growing as the memory flashed through his brain. “I begged Mikey to take Science Club with me. He was vehemently against it, said he was enough of a dork already. But I talked him into it, said we’d have fun making crazy stuff like synthetic cum. That picture was taken two weeks later, the day we got kicked out for setting that lab table on fire.” Brian indicated the table which was ablaze. “A kid from the yearbook staff was there and he told us to pose. The picture didn’t make it into the yearbook, so the kid gave it to me. That had to be one of the most fun days of my life.” Brian smiled a little longer until he remembered he wouldn’t be having anymore fun times with Michael. He felt the tears threaten again and sniffed hard, hoping that would ward them off. The act didn’t escape Daphne, however, who he hadn’t noticed wasn’t looking at the picture anymore. He started sifting through the pictures again, avoiding her eyes.

“Maybe you should take a break. You look pretty…tired,” Daphne noted. Brian shook his head.

“No, I have to get this done. I have to get this done now or I won’t do it,” Brian said, still not looking up at the girl. Daphne set down the photo and reached for the pile.

“Well, then at least let me help you,” she said. Brian brushed her hand away.

“I can do it,” Brian insisted frantically, looking as if he wasn’t even really seeing the pictures anymore.

“I know but just let me…” Daphne tried again to reach for the pile only to have her hand brushed away again.

“I can do it,” Brian said again, more forcefully this time.

“But Brian…” Daphne tried one more time to reach for the pile and this time her hand was slapped away. She looked at Brian with shock. He finally met her gaze and slumped back in defeat.

“DAMNIT!” He screamed, taking his head in his hands, on the edge of tears. Daphne waited quietly until Brian finally looked back up. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just…I really need to do this…for Michael. It has to be perfect…for him.” He hung his head and closed his eyes. He felt Daphne’s hand on his back and sighed.

“This collage Brian…Justin’s not making it for Michael, he’s making it for you,” Daphne said quietly. “Funerals are for the living, not the dead.” Brian laughed a little.

“That sounds like something right out of the Brian Kinney handbook,” he said. Daphne smiled.

“Probably because it’s true. Funerals are a way for the living to cope with their loss. A way to help them accept it so they can move on. The dead have already done that,” she said. Brian looked up at her.

“I just…hurt so much. I wanna stop hurting. I don’t wanna remember, but I don’t wanna forget. I guess that makes me fucked up,” Brian said. Daphne shook her head.

“No, that makes you normal. You have a right to hurt. You’re supposed to. But it’ll get better. This too shall pass and after awhile you’ll be able to think about him without hurting and you’ll just smile,” Daphne answered. She rubbed at Brian’s face with the pads of her thumbs. “But for now, why don’t you take a shower and, for Christsake, shave off that mountain man beard. I’ll make you something to eat and then we’ll go through those photos, okay?” Brian nodded. Daphne stood and helped Brian to his feet as well. He made his way to the bathroom as Daphne entered the kitchen and rummaged around for food. He smiled. He now realized why she and Justin were such great friends.

*******  
Brian stood on Debbie’s porch after the funeral working on his third cigarette. He couldn’t bear to watch Ben and Deb cry anymore; he’d done that for an hour and half at the service. He’d cried himself out the other day while he was looking at pictures with Daphne and then later while he was putting the collage together with Justin. He was pretty sure he’d used up his reserve. 

“Hey Hazel Eyes; whatcha thinking about?” Justin said as he walked out and wrapped his arms around his lover from behind. Brian smiled and leaned back into the touch.

“Just stuff, Ocean Eyes,” Brian responded. He inhaled on the cigarette and watched as the grey smoke swirled away after he exhaled. “Mikey used to hate it when I smoked,” he said after awhile.

“Really?” Justin responded.

“Yeah; he used to crinkle up his nose like this every time I lit up.” Brian mimicked the act and Justin laughed. Brian returned his features to normal and continued. “When we were kids he’d always beg me to quit and I’d always tell him I would…someday.” Brian looked down at the half-smoked cigarette in his hand. He flicked it out into the street and then reached into his pocket and chucked the almost-full pack after it. “Guess what Mikey, it’s someday,” he said aloud. Justin smiled and kissed Brian on the back of the neck. Brian took Justin’s hand. “Come on Ocean Eyes. Let’s head back inside.” With that the two went back inside the house and remembered the sweet, puppy dog-eyed man that would be with them forever.


End file.
